If a preacher stays in one field five years he is a fixture;

If he stays three years he is a roamer.

If he keeps a car that has a good coat of paint on it he is extravagant;

If he doesn’t, keep one— he is not efficient.

If he has a wife that interests herself in the church, he’s bossed:

If he hasn’t one that interests herself in him he is minus a helper.

If he keeps his pants pressed he is a dude;

If he doesn’t he is a slough.

If he asks for support it is time to get rid of him;

If he doesn’t, he is not worth what he is getting.

If he makes too many calls he is a pest;

If he doesn’t, how does he spend his time?

If he preaches a short sermon he is lazy;

If he preaches a long one he is a bag of wind.

If he lives with his income he may starve;

If he doesn’t he goes in debt.

If he jokes he is frivolous;

If he doesn’t he’s a crank

If he has an idea of his own he is fired;

If he doesn’t he is fired anyway.

If he preaches on doctrine he is a nut;

If he doesn’t he’s a sugar coater.

If he has many children he’s too expensive to call:

If he has none he is not carrying out God’s law to replenish the earth.

If he accepts the call he’s probably no good:

If he doesn’t he is too particular.

Oh, well, ain’t it hot this summer, Parson?